Flutter
by princess amaryllis
Summary: When he thinks about it, there are a lot of things he hasn't done yet, and it makes him a little sad to think that he'll never come close to doing it all. Despite it, he continues to smile.
_Flutter_

When he thinks about it, there are a lot of things he hasn't done yet, and it makes him a little sad to think that he'll never come close to doing it all. Despite it, he continues to smile.

 _Angst. Lots of it ahead._

.

Soma had thought he'd die during one of the challenges at the training from hell.

His heartbeat had raced fast, far faster than it should be able to handle, and sweat had drenched his shirt and forehead completely. He'd been so nervous, and he'd begun to feel lightheaded and slightly nauseous. But despite that, he had thought, a bit wryly, _Dying while cooking wouldn't be such a bad way to go, though I imagine I'd freak the guests out quite a bit._

By the time he'd been notified of his reaching two hundred, he'd been surprised he was still alive, still breathing. His knees had turned to jelly, and he had felt like he was about to pass out, buzzing ringing in the back of his head as the pain in his chest had slowly subsided as the hammer of his heartbeat had reached a more acceptable pace.

Relief had filled him from head to toe, a wave so strong it had knocked him clean off his feet, and he'd fallen on his ass with a short laugh as he tugged off the white cloth around his forehead. Megumi and Takumi had raced over, worry and frustration coloring their tones, while Nakiri Erina had snorted and told him off for his lack of ability, though she had looked a little worried, come to think of it. Alice had come by too, and had laughed in his face for only barely scraping by. He'd laughed with her.

But of course, this isn't anything new to Soma. He's long since forgotten how to fear death, as it's a constant shadow, hanging by his shoulder and breathing on his neck. Really, even the moment he'd been diagnosed, he had merely tilted his head, took a moment to digest the information, and accepted it.

To be fair, he'd been three at the time, not quite understanding death, but even now, Soma doesn't really think there's anything to be worried about. His mother, however, when she'd been alive, had fussed quite a bit.

But just because he doesn't fear death doesn't mean he wants to die. Soma finds he has a certain appreciation for everything, and cherishes every moment like he's going to die tomorrow—which he might.

There have been quite a few incidents after that where Soma had felt worry _(will I die now?)_ but it has never really inhibited his ability to participate in the Shokugeki, something he's glad for. Nobody seems to have noticed it, either, which is a plus as well. He doesn't want them to worry.

Deep down, though, he knows it'll come to light sooner or later. Nothing ever really remains a secret. Maybe the day they find out, he'll die, or maybe he'll survive, or maybe he's opened up to them.

It doesn't really matter.

Now, he finds himself standing in the cold night air. His friends are all probably sleeping, but today's one of those restless nights where he ends up not being able to sleep because his mind is too excited.

The moon is out, a sliver in the sky. Its faint light bathes the greenery in silvery blue, and wind runs through his hair.

He hears Isshiki's light footsteps, and turns with a smile. "Good evening, Isshiki-senpai. Something you wanted?"

Isshiki's wearing only his trademark apron, something that Soma had gotten used to relatively quickly. "Nothing," he answers, standing next to Soma. "I just saw you standing out here. Can't sleep?"

Soma shakes his head. "What about you?"

"Mm. I don't think I should drink so much coffee before bed," Isshiki laughs, rapping his fingers against the rail. "Why can't you sleep?"

Soma is silent for a few moments, gold eyes tracing the constellations in the sky. "Feeling a bit restless," he says, finally.

"Ah." With that, the conversation dies out.

They stand there in companionable silence. The only sounds are that of the occasional breeze running through the trees, or the noises of the many animals outside.

Soma swallows after a while, gathering up the courage to ask, "Isshiki-senpai, are you afraid of dying?"

For a brief moment, Isshiki looks surprised at the sudden question. "Hmm? A strange question. I didn't peg you as the philosophical type, Soma-kun."

Soma quashes the urge to respond with a _Well, try not to think about death when it's your constant companion._ He settles for: "Maa, not really. I was just curious."

Isshiki tilts his head. "Well, to answer your question, yes, I do fear death. Normal people naturally don't wish to die," he responds. "I don't think either of us have to worry about that, considering we're not even out of high school yet. Do you fear death, Soma-kun?"

 _That's hilarious,_ Soma thinks, though he wonders why he feels like he wants to cry. He bites the inside of his cheek to stop the tears. "No," replies Soma, and he feels he should say more, but doesn't, afraid his voice will come out more watery than he wants it to be.

There is a pause before: "I suppose I should've expected that," sighs Isshiki, sounding mildly amused. "You aren't exactly a normal person."

Soma smiles. He doesn't think it reaches his eyes. "Thanks, senpai," he says dryly. He straightens and stretches. "I think I'll go to sleep now. See you tomorrow morning, Isshiki-senpai."

"Sleep well."

As he heads for his room, he can feel Isshiki's impassive gaze on his back.

.

"You look a little under the weather today," Isshiki observes, and Soma jerks to turn around, evidently surprised. He's pale, a little too pale, and looks a little dazed. "You should go back to bed."

"Ah, do I?" Soma asks, blinking gold eyes. They lack their usual vibrant luster, instead seeming mellow and lazy, nothing like Soma at all. "I should, huh. But here." Soma smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, as he holds out a large and thick envelope, a little larger than a sheet of printer paper.

Isshiki takes the envelope. It's heavy. "What's this for?" he inquires.

"Letters," Soma answers. "The envelope is stuffed, so make sure it doesn't rip. I'd appreciate it if you could hold on to it for safekeeping."

Flipping the envelope, Isshiki spots Soma's handwriting on the back. _Open in case of emergency. – Soma Yukihira_

"Are you expecting something to happen, or something?" Isshiki tucks the envelope under his arm.

Soma barks out a short and mirthless laugh. In that moment, Isshiki thinks Soma looks far older than his years. "I suppose you can say that," he says, and he starts to head off, turning around.

"Where are you going?" Isshiki calls. The envelope somehow feels heavier.

"Somewhere almost unreachable," Soma replies cryptically before he laughs again. "I'm just kidding." Isshiki feels like that's a lie. "I'm just going to the balcony. I want some fresh air."

.

"You look horrible, Yukihira," Takumi remarks immediately, blue eyes narrowed with suspicion as he crosses his arms across his chest. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Soma shrugs. "I don't want to be."

"Well, we tried to keep him there, but Soma-kun doesn't do what he doesn't want to," Isshiki chimes in from his seat.

"Soma-kun, you really should be in bed," Megumi says softly, trying again. "If you're not feeling well, you're not going to get better if you walk around."

Soma looks like he can't decide if he wants to cry or laugh, and it's an odd mix. Isshiki frowns ever so slightly, but he smooths his expression over quickly with a smile. "I guess," Soma acknowledges. "But being out here is better for the heart." At this, Soma looks like he's having an inside joke with himself. _How lonely._

.

"Maybe you should go to the hospital," Ikumi suggests. "If you're sick, you need medicine."

"I've done that already," Soma assures her. "Don't worry about that, Nikumi."

As per usual, the nickname elicits a blush from Ikumi. Isshiki wonders how Soma hasn't noticed her obvious feelings towards him.

"Soma-kun, it's been a week already, maybe you should check again," Megumi adds. "At least stay at the dorm until you're better. You're clearly not well; the teachers will excuse you."

Isshiki can hear Soma's quiet exhale. "I'll be going back to the hospital soon," Soma says, voice softer than normal. It seems more like a warning than a promise, and it seems the others have picked that up from the way they subtly exchange glances.

"Maa, since school's over, what do you want to do?" Yuki cuts in, evidently trying to lighten the mood. Isshiki can still see her concern, though.

.

His cell phone rings while he's taking a break from taking care of the plants, and he picks up, absentmindedly toweling himself dry after his shower. Isshiki doesn't recognize the number, but nothing new; it's probably a request or something.

" _I-Isshiki-senpai,"_ sobs Megumi's voice. _"It—It's Soma-kun—he just—"_ She breaks off into a shaking cough.

Immediately he feels a jolt of panic. "Tadokoro-chan? Tadokoro-chan, calm down, and tell me happened," he says, trying to make his voice as calming as possible. Megumi hiccups, and her erratic breathing seems to smooth out a little.

" _Soma-kun c-collapsed on our way home. W-we called the hospital, a-and w-we're being taken t-there too,"_ Megumi manages between choked sobs and sniffles.

"I'll be there as soon as possible," Isshiki promises firmly. "I'm hanging up now, but he'll be okay. Soma will be okay."

" _Okay,"_ whispers Megumi, and Isshiki hangs up, throwing on his clothes quickly. He calls for a car as he runs into his room, digging around in the drawers to find the large envelope, which he takes before racing outside, shouting at Fumio that there's an emergency.

 _Is this the emergency you were talking about?_

.

"Is he okay?" Isshiki demands as soon as he enters the hospital, striding towards the large group in the waiting room. He spots all of his dorm-mates.

"Isshiki-senpai," Megumi says, her eyes red and puffy from the crying. "W-we don't know yet," she answers, gaze turned downwards at the ground.

"Did you guys call Joichiro-san yet?" Isshiki asks. Yuki shakes her head.

"We don't have his phone number, but I think the hospital's called him already," she answers dully, not a hint of her usually vibrant personality present. "He's probably on Yukihira's in case of emergency list."

Isshiki nods grimly. "Yes, I assume so as well…"

"Why did you bring that envelope?" Ryoko questions, pointing to the dull orange thing beneath Isshiki's arm.

He shows the side with the writing on it— _Open in case of emergencies. – Soma Yukihira_. "Soma-kun gave this to me about a week ago."

"This counts as an emergency," Marui says, voice serious, as he adjusts his glasses.

That's all the prompting Isshiki needs, and he carefully opens the envelope. It's stuffed with smaller envelopes, the mailing type, and he pulls the one out at the top. Upon flipping it over, he sees the words _Read Me First_. He hands the envelope off to Ibusaki.

Opening it, he finds a handwritten letter.

Isshiki clears his throat and begins to read. " _Dear everyone: If you're reading this, there are three possibilities: first, Isshiki-senpai was too curious, and ended up opening this, which means that I'll be in for a scolding._ "

"Damn straight," growls Daigo.

" _The second is that I've actually gotten myself into trouble, enough for you guys to consider it an emergency, and I'll be in for a scolding. Third, I've done it and died in the middle of the street or something. I'm hoping it's one of the first two because I don't think dying will be the most pleasant experience._

" _Well, at any rate… This is a message to you guys. It's an apology, a will, and possibly a goodbye, all in one. Enclosed are quite a few messages for you guys, and feel free to burn them or do whatever you want with them._

" _I want to apologize to you guys for not telling you before. I'm probably going to die soon. I'll never beat my dad in a Shokugeki, and…_ " Isshiki finds it hard to swallow, and his sight blurs. He blinks back the tears and swallows, hard, before continuing. " _…and I'll never see you guys again. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I want to do, but I'll never be able to do so._

" _I have a heart condition. I was diagnosed when I was three, and the doctors all say it's a miracle I've survived so long. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry._ " Isshiki's thumb brushes gently over the crinkly part of the paper, evidently from tears. " _And… if I don't get a chance to say it, goodbye._

" _I'm sorry. And I love you all. – Soma Yukihira._ "

It's utterly silent, save for the sounds of quiet sobbing, in the waiting room, and clearly the other patients recognize Soma's name.

He carefully folds up the letter and puts it back in its pristine white envelope, and hands it to Megumi wordlessly. Her hands tremble around it, her head bowed. Isshiki pulls out another a letter, one addressed to Ibusaki, and hands it to him. It takes him a few more tries to find his.

Isshiki opens his, and opens his mouth to read aloud. They deserve to hear as many of Soma's words as they can. " _Isshiki-senpai: First of all, I want to say sorry for giving the envelope to you. You're a trustworthy person, and a member of the Elite Ten, so I thought it'd be safe with you._

" _I guess beating you is impossible now, isn't it? I'll never see the view from the top, and that makes me a bit sad…_ "

They read all of their letters out loud, taking turns. Later, Isshiki won't deny his tears.

.

"Yukihira, you moron!" Isshiki hears Takumi half-shout, half-sob, from outside of the hospital room with Isami. "N-next time _tell_ us if t-there's something this important!" His blue eyes are probably teary.

"I'm sorry," Soma murmurs, sincere.

"An a-apology's not gonna cut it, Yukihira!" Isshiki can imagine Takumi's clenched fists, shaking at his sides.

"I know it's not," Soma sighs. "I know it's not."

Isshiki hears Takumi drawing his breath shakily. "W-why aren't you scared? Of d-dying?"

"I've been in danger of dying since I was three. It's not really news now. But… I'm glad I managed to survive this long. I'm sorry that I'm not going to live much longer, though."

"Don't say that," Isshiki hears Takumi say, voice sharp, and startling all of the others in the room, including himself. "Please don't."

"Sorry." Soma's voice sounds dangerously watery. "I'm sorry."

.

Isshiki blinks in mild surprise when he sees Alice and Erina Nakiri, followed closely by their aides, outside of the hospital door when he hears a soft knock.

"Come in," Soma calls, before anybody else can speak, and Isshiki steps aside, allowing them in.

"I can't believe you," Erina blurts out, looking angry and concerned and sad, all at once. "You—you've had this issue for the entire time you've been here, and yet you…" She swallows, and shakes, and Hisako puts a hand on her shoulder.

"You have surprisingly pretty handwriting," Alice states. She smiles, but she doesn't seem to feel it. "I hope you don't mind me framing it."

"Nah, do what you want with it," Soma replies. "Not like I can stop you or anything."

"What the hell is this letter," Kurokiba growls with no inflection. " _I_ beat _you_." He doesn't seem to mean anything though.

Soma grins cheekily, and for a moment, Isshiki is fooled, thinking maybe things could go back to what they used to be. "I totally took second place. Goddamn Hayama for taking first."

" _Indeed!_ " Hisako bursts out, looking annoyed at the very thought. She _had_ been defeated by Akira, though. In the first round, no less. "I swear I'll get him back one day, though."

Soma laughs. "Good luck on that."

Looking back on it, later, Isshiki thinks Soma has the uncanny ability to lighten a mood, even upon his own deathbed.

.

"Senpai," Soma murmurs softly. It seems that's the loudest he can get, now.

Isshiki pauses in adjusting the curtains. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry… you're practically… living in this hospital room."

"Of my own accord," Isshiki reminds him gently, ruffling his kohai's hair fondly. "It's the least I can do."

Soma smiles wearily. Isshiki wonders where he gets the energy. "Can you… do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Could you… call everybody here? Please?"

Isshiki has a sinking suspicion that this is Soma's last dying wish. Nonetheless, he smiles at Soma and pulls out his phone. "Of course."

It doesn't take long for them all to come, and nobody stops them after Isshiki explains to the nurses in a low tone. Soma knows quite a few people, Isshiki muses.

"Soma," Joichiro says, ruffling Soma's hair with an expression torn between heartbroken and fond.

"Hey." Isshiki doesn't miss the way Soma leans into the touch, nor the way he's clearly fighting to stay awake.

When everybody's crowded themselves into the room, Soma lets out a choked sound. "I don't want to die," he whispers, and in the quiet of the room, it rings out loudly. "I don't want to die. I want to hang out with all of you more. I want to see the top of Tootsuki."

Joichiro's hand doesn't stop, gently running through Soma's hair in a soothing motion, though it seems he needs it more than Soma does.

"I love all of… you." Soma struggles to say something else, but he doesn't have the air to, not passed the disease and his own tears.

But Isshiki reads his lips, and whispers them alongside him: _I'm sorry._

 _Owari_

And that's it. Really, that's it.

Ah… do you need tissues? Here's an entire box. And just go search up funny Tumblr posts to cheer yourself up, unless you're angst binging or something.

Leave a review, please? I appreciate it!


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